Monday, September 9, 2013

Not me, not now

I can't tell you what a bombshell it was to discover a lump in my boob 7 weeks into placement. I went cold when I chanced upon it in the shower. Whatever am I going to do? I asked myself. "No, not me, not now". It was Saturday and the children, for once were not lingering at the doorway asking what I was doing. I was grateful for that. It gave me time to register, pull myself together and put the brave face on.

A call to the doctors on the Monday and an apppoinment on the Tues. Kit off, examination and a question mark. I was asked to return two weeks later at a different point in my cycle. It didn't change, it was still there, I could feel it even if they couldn't. Second doctor, this time an absolute clarity that yes, there's a lump and it should be checked out immediately. Leave doctors and head to Odds Farm with tiddlers, smiles, ice cream, rabbits, tractors and this massive cloud hanging over me.

Irrational Me: "What if it's cancer?
Rational Me: "It won't be, it can't be"
Irrational Me: "Will they take the children away?"
Rational Me: "Don't be silly, this couldn't happen, not now"

Give the NHS their dues, I got a call not three hours after leaving the GP's with an appointment the following week. It wasn't until I received the referral letter that the full extent of what was happening hit me. "Please allow three to four hours for your appointment which will include ultrasound, consultation and possible mammogram and biopsy"


Double f*ck who is going to look after the kids and what on earth am I going to tell whoever I ask, I can't tell them I am going to the Breast Cancer Clinic? I don't want to admit this is happening to myself, let alone anyone else (apart from hub)?

Found a babysitter, didn't sleep a wink turned up at clinic, had the ultrasound and saw a dark blob that was measured, silence.  Heart pounding I was willing the radiologist to tell me what she'd found. Gently and quietly she told me that she suspected that it was a cyst but the best way to confirm was to use a needle to try a draw out fluid. If no fluid came I would move onto biopsy. I willed that syringe to fill up and it did.

Thank you.

Never before have I wished an ultrasound to show me nothing. After 9 rounds of fertility treatment I couldn't help thinking that I'd packed my poor body so full of drugs that this was my comeuppance.

I was wrong. Lord knows why these things happen when they do, but I was one of the lucky ones.

I came home bruised and battered but happy.

Pain wasn't helped by little'est biting me smack on the spot where they'd inserted the needles while I was holding her during a tantrum but hey, you can't win them all. I haven't cried like that in front of them before but the pain was acute and seemed so unjust.  She registered that she'd really hurt me so I explained that Mummy had been to the doctors about her poorly boob but that it was better now but it hurt when she bit. It seemed to register, she apologised without prompting - a first.

Am going to bed grateful tonight but not before I have scoffed my celebratory Snickers.

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